Parents are to blame for problems of young
Published in The Universe
(October 27, 2002)
Not very long ago when I was at Fatima I was asked to advise a group of young Catholics from Ireland and England. They came to find strength and comfort in the example of courage and determination shown by the children of Fatima who endured rejection and unbelieving authorities who debunked them and their revelations.
Today many young people cannot speak out about their inner most feelings and troubles. They have few spiritual experiences to share. Their parents seem at times to be the last people they can confide in. Parents frequently become remote and estranged from their own children but they see it the other way around; the children are remote from them. Small incidents become major crisis in the 'blame game', that ends in the teenager escaping to the comfort of a gang, drugs or sex.
What was most troubling to the young people I listened was that their friends were attempting or committing suicide. They are frequently in a state of such emotional and mental disturbance that they cannot make a rational decision. They cannot possibly fully realize what they are doing. I was shocked to hear from the young people at Fatima that their many troubles that lead to a disturbed life and unhappiness was about feeling unloved and rejected. One 17 year-old boy committed suicide before coming to Fatima, he broke up with his girl friend and told his friends he was feeling inadequate, rejected and unloved.
We spend many years in school learning so much about math and science but so little about love, friendship, parenthood and how to love others. In fact we are very ignorant about what love really is. Yet this is the driving force of life itself and ought to being happiness and contentment.
Many people of all ages are unhappy because they have an incomplete experience and understanding of what love is really all about. They want it to be about feeling love from others. They believe that love is something they deserve and expect to receive from another. They have inflated and unrealistic expectations and they place themselves as the object of another’s infatuation or attraction to them. They long to be appreciated, admired, praised and wanted. They pine for a kind word, an affectionate touch and a gentle embrace. Others believe that when they are given sexual satisfaction they experience love. Love is something romantic to them. Natural and understandable as all this is, it does not bring happiness. They see love as that which is bestowed upon them. But in truth, true love is not receiving affection and satisfaction, or being loved, or being in love, but true love that lasts for life is unselfish sacrifice for another. When two or more share this attitude then loves is.
Love is really about giving, sharing, sacrificing and not asking ‘what's in it for me? That is a kind of love that is really beautiful and truly virtuous. Many people are unhappy and driven to despair because they are not receiving love, when in reality the true essence of love is unselfishness. It is truly more beautiful and fulfilling to give than to receive.
This we know is a real challenge to people and nowadays it is far beyond their ability when the world is full of low life entertainment falsely telling young people that sex is love, pleasure is the greatest good, and satisfaction at all costs is the goal of life. Young relationships fail so quickly when they realize that they neither love the other nor are they loved themselves. This plunges young people into depression and despair. They expect happiness when they have consensual sex with a partner looking for the same satisfaction. They cannot ever find the confirmation that they are really loved for themselves when they busy satisfying their reproductive drives and know that their partner is doing the same thing.
It is only through the love of unselfish, self-sacrificing friendship that the partners can know that they are not using each other or being used for selfish satisfaction and physical pleasure. Friendship is that relationship based on self-giving without seeking a reward. It is this that forms the lifelong partnership of love that brings more loving children into the world.
