Justice Must Come Before Forgiveness
The Universe
(September 29, 2002)
It is almost impossible to
forgive those who have seriously hurt and harmed us unless we really
understand what forgiveness really is. . Take the case of Agnes a young
twelve year old girl brought, with her parents consent, to work as a
domestic servant in the home of her auntie near Manila. She was weak,
vulnerable and her auntie was one who held that children are something to be
owned and used by adults. Her husband thought the same and lusted after her
frail body.
He crept into
her small bedroom at night and quickly overpowered and raped her. ”If you
tell anyone I will kill you and feed your parts to the dogs.”
He threatened. Agnes was terrified and kept the terrible ordeal to
herself. He abused her several more times and then somehow she found the
courage to tell her adult friend Jennifer and neighbor. Unlike some, who
don't get involved and turn away, Jennifer, was outraged and brought Agnes
to the police and then to the PREDA Children’s Home for protection,
affirmation and therapy.
The auntie
called Agnes a liar and defended her husband. They arranged with
the police to offer money as compensation to Agnes’ parents, a normal though
illegal procedure .The police keep a portion of such payments when the
parents are paid off. The child victim is thrown aside, humiliated and left
to fend for her. The abuser roams free to abuse other children. Victims of
domestic rape make up 80% of paedophiles and sexual abuse cases .They
frequently run away and end up in prostitution. Others are falsely accused.
In Nigeria, a woman is seduced and condemned to death by stoning. In
Pakistan, a girl is gang raped as a punishment for an alleged offence by her
brother.
But not
Agnes, she stood fast with the support she received and there was no deal.
Her abuser was brought to trial. Then they tried to morally intimidate
Agnes. “Forgive him and his family, what good will it do to destroy
his life and family. It is the Christian thing to do, forgive your enemies,
they said, or God will not forgive you, we will never forgive you”, is a
frequent refrain of abusers.
It is totally
erroneous and illegal intimidation and psychological harassment. Some
people think that forgiveness is putting aside a grievance and walking away
and forgetting it ever occurred. That is not so. The wound is always there,
the pain is long sustained and can hardly heal and it takes a skillful
councilor to bring about reconciliation even of the most rudimentary kind
whether it is between individuals, families or communities.
Forgiveness
is not an act of a single person towards another. It is a process of
reconciliation that requires an open response from the offender. It is both
giving and receiving. It is two-way restoration of relationship, it is a
peace making process to mend the hurt and repair damage caused to the
offended party. The aggrieved person can offer forgiveness only if the
offender has sincere disposition of repentance to receive it. Only
then can the reconciliation at the heart of forgiveness take place.
Having the
capacity to receive forgiveness requires the offender to humbly accept the
wrongdoing, repent with a sense of genuine remorsefulness and be willing to
do penance and make restitution. Otherwise the exchange of forgiveness
cannot take place, peace cannot be restored, and wounds will not begin to
heal.
For
forgiveness to become a reality there is a process of justice that has to
run it’s course. The offense has to be clearly recognized and acknowledged,
both parties have to be heard, the offender accepts the process, admits
guilt and humbly accepts just punishment.
In the case
of Agnes none of that happened. The rapist was a hardhearted villain and
refused to acknowledge his fault. He was found guilty and sentenced to many
years in prison.
Agnes bears
no ill feeling or hatred or anger. Her therapy and finding justice has
healed much of that .She has got on with her life and graduated head of her
class. Forgiveness must never be confused with cowardice, capitulation and
moral intimidation. The plea, ‘Please forgive me, I am heartily sorry, and
accept my punishment, must ring true, and then forgiveness is really
possible.
