The Power of Fear and Guilt
Published in The Universe
(July 18, 2002)
How many times have we heard the gospel story of Jesus curing the paralyzed
man on a stretcher let down through the roof of a house and wondered how
was, that by merely saying "Your sins are forgiven", the man was cured. We
have all wished that it would be so easy for the rest of us. Then of course
we are not all paralyzed by fear and guilt as he was. Yet, many of us may
have memories of being made feel guilty over the most trivial of things. When I was a child, I trembled in the church bench on cold winter nights as the visiting priest ‘gave the Mission’, as it was called. He thundered from the pulpit, his eyes blazing with fervor and passion, his beard quivering as he shook his fist like Moses of Cecil B. Demil coming down the mountain of Sinai and discovering the Israelites worshiping a calf of gold. After than I fervently promised God I would avoid calves of gold wherever I found them. My ‘Moses’ is forever imprinted on my memory as a figure of righteous anger calling down retribution on sinners. He succeeded in implanting fear into my young senses. He described how the sinners would be cast into the fiery flames of hell and burn for all eternity.
I shriveled at the thought and every time I came across a painting of Michelangelo or another medieval painter depicting the dammed descending into the depths of a great pit from where tongues of flame licked up as if reaching out to pull down the ‘sinners’ whose faces were contoured in fear and remorse. I cringed in fear myself and begged the vengeful God to forgive me and spare me such punishments.
I was constantly repenting of my childhood sins like taking a biscuit or not doing my homework or eating within the twelve hours before Holy Communion. This gave me a sense of dread when going to church at times and in a way I was ‘paralyzed’ from doing lots of things normal kids do, because I was convince they were ‘sins’. I lived as if surrounded by a multiplicity of 'sins' for which priests were to be forever kept busy in the confessional shriving and forgiving. As kids we were lined up every Saturday outside the school by the Nuns dressed in the black crow- like garbs of darkness and marched to the church where we sat in fretful rows rehearsing our standard line,’Bless me father, for I have sinned, I stole a biscuit, I told a lie, I said a bad word.
Then I would think of the ill-gotten biscuits I took and the little lies I told and I would be riveted with fear again. However, all of that changed in time and certain sins were not sins any more, the rules were changed and a new light came into the church leading up to and after Vatican II (until a conservative way of thinking reasserted itself a few years later). However, by then I was liberated from childhood fear of religion and punishment.
After Vatican II, I was already in the Seminary training to be a missionary. Our faith was directed to the person of Jesus Christ and we were encourage to read the gospels and discover his mission to change everything and renew the world through the power of truth, justice and love. It was the inspiring person of Jesus confronting evil with non-violence, and appealing to conscience and the love of neighbor that carried me through the difficult years of becoming and remaining a missionary for Christ.
I was overwhelmed with relief and happiness when I discovered Jesus to be a loving supportive friend, who is affirming and encouraging us to shake off the fear and guilt imposed by the Pharisees in his day and the missioners in mine. He brought about freedom from guilt and gave us the only law we need to directs all of life, the rule of love, compassion, justice, understanding, serving others and sacrifice. Jesus is forever in my heart reminding me that everyone of us is important. If two sparrows never go unnoticed how much more important is every one of us no matter how poor or deprived we may be. Not only that but He is always with us.
